He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
