What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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