she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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