how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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