I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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