Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
