Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
