if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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