I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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