I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
