I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
