I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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