I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
