Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
