i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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