i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
