At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
