I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
