Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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