Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
