i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He kissed a someone with a penis
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
