Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
