Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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