Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
