So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Randomize
