Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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