I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i am craving dick and cupcakes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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