By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
