I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
