Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
