The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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