There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
