And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
