Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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