I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
