You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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