I cockslap morals
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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