New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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