I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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