Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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