Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
