Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
