you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
