is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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