I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
