she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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