umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
