Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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