No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
