I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
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