I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
